Everyone is always asking how to “spice up their sex life,” right? Or maybe it just appears that way. Whether you are looking to add a little spice to your sex life, or just want to explore your or your partner’s desires, filling out a “want, will, won’t” list is a great idea.

What is a “want, will, won’t list” you ask? 

It’s essentially a list of a bunch of romantic, emotional, and sexual activities that you respond to saying, I want to do this, I will do this, or I won’t do this. You can fill this out on your own just to gauge your romantic and sexual interests, or you can fill it out with a partner and spark some great conversation. You can just google a want, will, won’t list and find one with questions that you like. You can fill it out by hand, or there are some that you and your partner fill out online.

What does each term mean to you?

When filling out the list, decide what the terms mean to you. For me, when I mark something as “want,” this means I definitely desire this and want this to happen. For example, passionate kissing and touching. I want that with a partner! For me, a “will” is something that I will do under certain circumstances or if my partner is into it. For example, a will for me would be foot stuff. I’m not really into it, but if my partner wanted to try it, I’d be down to explore. 

To be very clear, a “will” is something I am choosing to decide to do—a “will” should never be coerced out of you. You are still fully consenting to this activity! And finally, for me a “won’t,” would be something I definitely do not want to do under any circumstance. For example, I won’t do anything sexual in full public view, like I won’t intensely make out with someone on a bench in a public park in broad daylight. So before you begin, decide what these terms mean for you and your partner, so you can answer with the same gauge. 

How to write up your list

Next, fill out your list! When selecting the list of questions you want to fill out, see which questions resonate with you and your partner(s). I’ve filled out lists that are strictly sexual before, and I’ve also filled out lists that included romantic and emotional intimacy acts as well. For example, a question about romance or emotional intimacy could be, “I like holding hands in public,” or something like “I don’t mind solving the conflict in public, for example over dinner”. As I mentioned, you can fill these out by hand, or virtually. Then after taking the time to fill out your list, you and your partner(s) can compare. Some virtual lists only show answers where you both answered at least “will” or “want,” while some show everything. It’s up to you!

This is a great exercise to get to know your own desires and boundaries and to get familiar with communicating those with your partner(s) as well. Also, your want, will, won’t list is allowed to change at any time. Just because last week you filled out your list and said you will hold hands in public, but today you aren’t feeling it, that’s okay! This is a helpful list to give you and your lover(s) some ideas about what you both are interested in. It can also be fun to fill out after some time has passed to see if your desires have changed. 

Have fun!